saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
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