my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize