peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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