Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
If I die, sorry about rent.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
