I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
