Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
