I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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