what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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