i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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