i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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