I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Randomize
