You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Randomize