D3 body, D1 cock
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
