Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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