i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
