Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
