I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
