ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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