I threw up into my coffee this morning.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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