I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
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