There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
