just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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