Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
