I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Sorry about my life...
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
