I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Randomize
