i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
