somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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