Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
