Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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