my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
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