She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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