I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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