I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Randomize
