god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
