My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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