true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
