god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
