I wish I could teleport
How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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