if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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