Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
