I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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