So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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