that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
