He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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