I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
