cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Randomize
