i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
