The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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