Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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