We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
