Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
