Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
being pregnant is like rehab
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
