My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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