if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
