now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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