as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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