half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
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