remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
