My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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