He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
It's blow job season.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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