Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
